i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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