I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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