woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
