The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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