the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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