I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
