We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
