and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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