He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
