Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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