I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
