a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you will always have a special place in my vag
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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