i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
