So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
