There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize