Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
