how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize