I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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