I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
