dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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