I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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