his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
