I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
