Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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