we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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