I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
