I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
