Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
