why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
