Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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