This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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