If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
you never un-have a 4some
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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