I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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