Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
