that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
