I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
