Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
