She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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