woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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