i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
