My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
