note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
