CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
