the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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