she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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