just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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