Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
false alarm. still invincible.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
