well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
