Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
