3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
