Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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