Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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