Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm just crazy horny about you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
