There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
