His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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